9 Forgotten Commandments from Leviticus to Teach Uncle Heff

Sure, we’ve all heard the one about Men lying with other Men. You’ve been to your fair share of Thanksgivings where someone gives Uncle Heff too much rum and had to listen to him lecture the family on the bible’s “rich teachings” that justify his bigoted viewpoints.

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However, here are some other rules that Uncle Heff needs to be reminded about. Leviticus contains 247 commandments. Below are just 9 that Uncle Heff needs to start fighting for as hard as the “Men with other Men” one he can’t let go:

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Bowl Haircuts and Clean Shaven Faces

You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.” (Leviticus 19:27)

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Tattoos and Cutting

What’s cutting? Ya know, the reason Uncle Heff wears long sleeves…he cuts himself to feel something. To help him know he’s still alive.

“You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.” (Leviticus 19:28)

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Planting 2 Kinds of Seeds Together

Uncle Heff likes his legumes and grains best when they are planted together. This is a death sentence.

“Do not plant your fields with two kinds of seed.” (Leviticus 19:19)

Poly

No Mixed Blends

Uncle Heff loves his Polyester. Uncle Heff loves Linen mixed with Wool. Don’t be like Uncle Heff

“You are to keep My statutes. You shall not…wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” (Leviticus 19:19)

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Cursing Out Your Parents

We all know that Uncle Heff drinks so much because his mother molested him. While you try not to bring that up, Uncle Heff’s slurring swear words are usually about his mom. When it’s not about “the darker fellas” that is.

“Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Because they have cursed their father or mother, their blood will be on their own head. (Leviticus 20:9)

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No Fortune Tellers, Mediums, Fortune Cookies

Uncle Heff spends an embarrassingly large amount of his disability check on Fortune Tellers. He should be put to death to spare his soul.

“Do not turn to mediums or spiritualists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God.” (Leviticus 19:31)

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Do Not Tear Your Clothes

This woman is about to die….and so is Uncle Heff with his “retro heavy metal” ripped jeans he still wears from the 80’s.

“Do not uncover your heads nor tear your clothes, so that you will not die and that He will not become wrathful against all the congregation.” (Leviticus 10:6)

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No Shellfish or Finless Fish

Save your Uncle Heff’s eternity and put an end to his Annual Low Country Boil

“But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.” (Leviticus 11:10)

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No Pets Allowed

Better to kill your Uncle’s pets now than to let your Uncle “Burn in Hell” later

“Also whatever walks on its paws, among all the creatures that walk on all fours, are unclean to you.” (Leviticus 11:28-29)

 

We hope this helps you the next time your Uncle Heff starts droning on and on about the homos, and that abomination they call “making love” because, Jesus and the Bible.

Speaking of Jesus, (since that Leviticus fella is from the “Old Testament”) he said the following, crystal clear quote, on how to treat each other:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)

If Uncle Heff still gives you the business, ask him to show you where Jesus condemned homosexuality (enjoy watching him try to find it, because there’s nothing there to find).

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Uncle Heff needs to remember the Golden Rule. This rule predates his religion and will live on even after his own ancient religion is finally dead.

“Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. Otherwise, Mind Your Own Efin Business” (Efin 4:20)

-Efin

 

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The Original Declaration of Independence did not contain “Creator”

5alive
Committee of Five, 1776” by John Trumbull – US Capitol. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons.

(much of this text is copied directly from a website built to share the research lead by Jim Allison, a certificated paralegal and historical-legal researcher and writer; and Susan Batte, who is a lawyer and a member of the US Supreme Court bar who practices in Virginia. Both have been involved in the separation of church and state debate, researching and writing extensively on the subject, for several years. The direct link can be found here)

Authors of Research Conclusions:

  • The original version Jefferson wrote did not contain the word Creator.
  • A copy that John Adams wrote in his own hand did not contain the word creator
  • At some point after Jefferson wrote the original draft and before it was submitted to Congress it was changed to the wording with regards to creator that we know today

There are several possibilities

  1. Jefferson changed his mind and reworded it to what we know today
  2. The change was suggested by Adams.
  3. The change was suggested by Franklin.
  4. The change was suggested by both Adams and Franklin.
  5. The change was suggested by one or both of the other two members of the committee of five or all four of them that was given the task of producing this document.

Jefferson wrote most of the text even some of the changes which scholars are pretty sure was suggested by either Adams or Franklin. There are places in the handwriting of Jefferson yet the wording and style sounds more Franklin or Adams than Jefferson

In other places it appears that Adams made some changes in his own hand and perhaps Franklin did as well.

Thus, bottom line, Jefferson’s original draft did not contain the word creator. Sometime between writing that original draft and submission to Congress that wording was changed to the wording we know today

The events that took place between the original draft and submission to Congress were

  • Consultation and submission of the draft to Adams
  • Consultation and possible submission to Franklin
  • Possible consultation and submission to the other two members of the Committee of Five

At least two maybe three revisions to various sections of the Declaration of Independence including this creator section in which the original language was deleted and the current language was inserted in its place, took place before the submission to Congress. Input or ideas from both Adams and Franklin, for certain and maybe the other two were incorporated.

Handwriting is not a reliable barometer since scholars feel that Jefferson probably wrote most of text including some sections that are known to be ideas of one of the others and others wrote sections that might be ideas or suggestions by Jefferson or the others. In addition there are a few places that appear to be in the hand of Adams and perhaps Franklin yet still other sections that scholars just plain have no idea whose hand wrote it for certain. Maybe Jefferson, maybe Adams, maybe Franklin, maybe one of the other two, they just don’t know

The only absolute is Jefferson’s original draft did not include the word creator. No one can say with complete certainty who was responsible for the change and the addition of “Creator.”

You can find the original documents here Original Rough Draught of the Declaration of Independence

Taken from Wikipedia Founding Fathers of United States Which can be found here

Franklin T. Lambert (2003) has examined the religious affiliations and beliefs of the Founders. Of the 55 delegates to the 1787 Constitutional Convention, 49 were Protestants, and two were Roman Catholics (D. Carroll, and Fitzsimons).[18] Among the Protestant delegates to the Constitutional Convention, 28 were Church of England (or Episcopalian, after the American Revolutionary War was won), eight were Presbyterians, seven were Congregationalists, two were Lutherans, two were Dutch Reformed, and two were Methodists.[18]

A few prominent Founding Fathers were anti-clerical Christians such as Thomas Jefferson,[19][20][21] who constructed the Jefferson Bible, and Benjamin Franklin.[22]

Historian Gregg L. Frazer argues that the leading Founders (Adams, Jefferson, Franklin, Wilson, Morris, Madison, Hamilton, and Washington) were neither Christians nor Deists, but rather supporters of a hybrid “theistic rationalism

Efin’s conclusions: Keeping in mind that only the conclusions were presented here, extensive research is available on this. I have tried to get you started with the links I provided. These links offer further links to verify its content. Based on all that, the “Creator” line was simply added to impose that man does not give another man his unalienable rights. He is born with them and they can not be taken away by another man. This document assured that would be the new government’s starting point. That these words are so focused on and the rest of the document largely ignored by modern Americans, is the real shame. The document is beautifully written and was approved by a wide range of religious and non-religious affiliations. This was not meant to say that God fought and won independence and our nation’s rights and freedom. Men did that. Founding Fathers known and unknown to us gave us these rights that they felt were unalienable and undeniable from birth.

(Well, only for men; white men; but that revolution came later and is for another time)


Efin’s Counter Proposal To God

Counter Proposal

Dear God,

Instead of Eternal Torture in Hell for not believing in you, may we request another option? It seems only fair that instead, we get whipped 39 times, crucified, sent to Hell for 3 days and then “Tetelestoi”; All’s Forgiven…Still waiting to hear back on the original letter.

Love,

Your Atheist Children

Christmas has a Pagan Past…a Poem

Twas the holiday before Christmas,
when it was called something else,
Pagans had a festival, eating so much, they broke their belts
The Christians were not invited, and felt so mad as to pout
So they went to their religious leader to help bail them out
In power, back then, was a costumed man with a hat
Without separation of state, he put a stop to all that
Now Christian merchants had merchandise to sell
But a problem arose, modern children weren’t scared of hell
What next can we do to make kids behave themselves
We will invent Santa who is always watching and put his elves on their shelves
Now be good little brats, beg for presents and sing
Because parenting is harder to do without magical, authoritative things
So now Christians have Christmas and insist we do too
It begins around October or November, well, except for the Jews
Now Christians want more, but we already gave them 3 months
So go ahead and have “Santa” tell your spoiled little runts,
if any of them tell me there’s a war on Christmas, I will kick them in their…

Merry X-Mas Everyone
Wake me when it’s over

-Efin

 

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Hey Conservatives, The Bible Says When A Fetus Is Alive — And It’s Not When You Think

Stolen From John Prager’s article on AddictingInfo.org

ADD

Author: December 2, 2015 8:41 am

It seems like a day doesn’t go by that we don’t hear the Right screaming that abortion is wrong because babies are alive from the moment of conception. This line of rhetoric is used to fuel conservatives in their holy war against a woman’s right to choose — a war that recently saw casualties on Black Friday when a Christian extremist walked into a Colorado Planned Parenthood facility complaining about Obama and “baby parts” and started shooting.

But what if life doesn’t begin at conception? What if the Biblical definition of “life” would allow even the latest of late-term abortions? What if right-wing Christians have it all wrong? To figure out if this is the case, it’s best to start at the beginning — specifically, in the book of Genesis. Please turn your Bibles to Chapter 2, verse 7:

“And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.”

Since the Bible is the word of God and God is infalliable, anti-abortion fanatics have nothing to complain about. Simply put, life begins when one draws his or her first breath. This, of course, isn’t the only reference like this. Job 33:4 reads:

“The spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.”

 

Ezekiel 37:5-6 is also very clear on the matter:

“Thus says the Lord God to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live; and you shall know that I am the Lord.”

Once again, life begins upon the drawing of the first breath. Of course, there does seem to be some leeway. Leviticus 27 makes it very clear that babies have no value to God until they are one month old. If anything, Christians should only be angry if a child is killed after he or she takes his or her first breath — especially since God gives them a recipe for a magical abortion potion in Numbers 5:11-31:

15 Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest, and he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth part of an ephah of barley meal; he shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense thereon; for it is an offering of jealousy, an offering of memorial, bringing iniquity to remembrance.

16 And the priest shall bring her near, and set her before the Lord:

17 And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water:

18 And the priest shall set the woman before the Lord, and uncover the woman’s head, and put the offering of memorial in her hands, which is the jealousy offering: and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse:

19 And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse:

20 But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband:

21 Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The Lord make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the Lord doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell;

22 And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen.

23 And the priest shall write these curses in a book, and he shall blot them out with the bitter water:

24 And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse: and the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter.

25 Then the priest shall take the jealousy offering out of the woman’s hand, and shall wave the offering before the Lord, and offer it upon the altar:

26 And the priest shall take an handful of the offering, even the memorial thereof, and burn it upon the altar, and afterward shall cause the woman to drink the water.

27 And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people.

28 And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed.

The Big Guy clearly believes in the right to choose — as long as that choice is made by a man. Sure, the potion is magic but it causes an abortion no matter how you slice it.

God even makes it clear that he considers a living, breathing human to be of more value than a fetus in Exodus 21:22, which dictates that if a man causes a woman to miscarry, he should be fined — but if he kills the woman, he will be put to death. If God considered a fetus alive, wouldn’t he impose the same penalty for both?

In short, no one who claims life begins at conception is following the Bible. The Right’s anti-abortion movement is an absolute sham — just like “baby parts” and other misinformation they peddle to appeal to their unquestioning, intellectually-devoid base. Sorry, Christians, God is extremely pro-choice — perhaps more so than any liberal when you consider mass baby killings, genocides, and such.

“God has decreed, for one reason or another, that at least one-third of all pregnancies shall be terminated by a spontaneous abortion during the first trimester of pregnancy and that a number will be terminated after the first trimester,” the Christian Left blog notes.  “It would appear that God does not have any more regard for the loss of a fetus than he does for the loss of a placenta or a foreskin despite the fact that these were living tissue as the result of conception.”

Conservatives should probably read those Bibles they use to beat others over the head. They might learn something — and then they can stop shooting up Planned Parenthood facilities, bombing abortion clinics, and generally being awful with regard to women’s bodies.

 

God’s Top 10 Life Hacks

Number

This is very funny, but it also addresses some of the more barbaric life-hacks found in the “unchanging, ever-relevant, word of God”

Including an apparent lack of care, and even instructions for aborting or killing, unborn (and recently born) children.

Can we finally determine this whole thing mythology on the same level as Greek Mythology? Can’t we just try to figure out how to be good, modern humans for the sake of progress for all of humanity?

-Efin