9 Forgotten Commandments from Leviticus to Teach Uncle Heff

Sure, we’ve all heard the one about Men lying with other Men. You’ve been to your fair share of Thanksgivings where someone gives Uncle Heff too much rum and had to listen to him lecture the family on the bible’s “rich teachings” that justify his bigoted viewpoints.

snl-drunk-uncle

However, here are some other rules that Uncle Heff needs to be reminded about. Leviticus contains 247 commandments. Below are just 9 that Uncle Heff needs to start fighting for as hard as the “Men with other Men” one he can’t let go:

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Bowl Haircuts and Clean Shaven Faces

You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.” (Leviticus 19:27)

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Tattoos and Cutting

What’s cutting? Ya know, the reason Uncle Heff wears long sleeves…he cuts himself to feel something. To help him know he’s still alive.

“You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.” (Leviticus 19:28)

seed

Planting 2 Kinds of Seeds Together

Uncle Heff likes his legumes and grains best when they are planted together. This is a death sentence.

“Do not plant your fields with two kinds of seed.” (Leviticus 19:19)

Poly

No Mixed Blends

Uncle Heff loves his Polyester. Uncle Heff loves Linen mixed with Wool. Don’t be like Uncle Heff

“You are to keep My statutes. You shall not…wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” (Leviticus 19:19)

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Cursing Out Your Parents

We all know that Uncle Heff drinks so much because his mother molested him. While you try not to bring that up, Uncle Heff’s slurring swear words are usually about his mom. When it’s not about “the darker fellas” that is.

“Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Because they have cursed their father or mother, their blood will be on their own head. (Leviticus 20:9)

zultan_6

No Fortune Tellers, Mediums, Fortune Cookies

Uncle Heff spends an embarrassingly large amount of his disability check on Fortune Tellers. He should be put to death to spare his soul.

“Do not turn to mediums or spiritualists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God.” (Leviticus 19:31)

jeans

Do Not Tear Your Clothes

This woman is about to die….and so is Uncle Heff with his “retro heavy metal” ripped jeans he still wears from the 80’s.

“Do not uncover your heads nor tear your clothes, so that you will not die and that He will not become wrathful against all the congregation.” (Leviticus 10:6)

lobster-feast

No Shellfish or Finless Fish

Save your Uncle Heff’s eternity and put an end to his Annual Low Country Boil

“But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.” (Leviticus 11:10)

nop

No Pets Allowed

Better to kill your Uncle’s pets now than to let your Uncle “Burn in Hell” later

“Also whatever walks on its paws, among all the creatures that walk on all fours, are unclean to you.” (Leviticus 11:28-29)

 

We hope this helps you the next time your Uncle Heff starts droning on and on about the homos, and that abomination they call “making love” because, Jesus and the Bible.

Speaking of Jesus, (since that Leviticus fella is from the “Old Testament”) he said the following, crystal clear quote, on how to treat each other:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)

If Uncle Heff still gives you the business, ask him to show you where Jesus condemned homosexuality (enjoy watching him try to find it, because there’s nothing there to find).

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Uncle Heff needs to remember the Golden Rule. This rule predates his religion and will live on even after his own ancient religion is finally dead.

“Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. Otherwise, Mind Your Own Efin Business” (Efin 4:20)

-Efin

 

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