Dal vs. The Sandwich

From the Archives Feb 2011 Word of the Day


The story about Dal going to the zoo was Interminable but it didn’t deter him from telling it several times. He told it over and over trying to explain why he was arrested and how it was all a big misunderstanding. He wouldn’t have had to even tell the story if not for the fact that his co-workers troll the internet looking to see who got arrested over the weekend. If you’ve never seen those pictures from lockup, you are missing out.

Dal was discovered in the zoo, after-hours, attempting to get into the reptile exhibit.

Dal’s story, which he claims is absolutely true, goes that he was trying to find a private place to park while eating a sandwich he had been thinking about all day. He pulled off at the zoo entrance thinking that there would be no one around to watch him try to eat this huge hoagie. We all have been in similar positions while trying to eat something the size of our faces. Dal is a private man and didn’t want to be embarrassed. While attempting to eat, he dropped the sandwich on the ground. He ran over to the water fountain to rinse it off. It was on the opposite side of the fence so he scaled it. On the other side, there was an open door to the normally enclosed reptile exhibit. Since he was already on the wrong side of the fence, he walked over. On the way, a monkey grabbed the sandwich out of his hand. The monkey teased him relentlessly for several countless minutes. This is not as normal as you think. This particular monkey had a mental condition, and so therefore has no sense of time.

The monkey repeated the taunting until Dal gave up. Revenge on his mind, he continued on to the reptiles hoping he could, at the very least, injure the monkey using one of its natural enemies.

Dal didn’t read the signs very clearly because if he had, he would have seen that this particular species of monkey had no natural reptile enemies. He reached in to grab a coral snake but it didn’t want to bite anyone; since it was the middle of the night and was sleeping soundly. Lucky for Dal, the police came in right before he went to the Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake aquarium.

That snake happens to like staying up late and doesn’t like it when people try to make it do things it didn’t already have planned. It’s a very organized creature that takes comfort in its routines.

The police were wearing zebra colored uniforms in order to confuse Dal into complying.

Dal had a plan of his own. He pretended that he was sleep-walking, however the coral snake, being particularly cranky after being awakened by the adventure, didn’t hesitate to inform the officers what Dal had done and what he planned on doing. The Zebra-Striped cops were unimpressed by the snake’s story since he’s been known to make things up on occasion out of his eternal boredom.

After detaining him, they asked that Dal leave, assuring him that the pictures they took of him would end up only in their personal collections.

Some cops lie. These cops were lying. The picture ended up on all the websites and went viral as quickly as a video of a panda bear twirling a stick while wearing a tiny hat.

(Picture not available)

Dal then woke up in the zoo parking lot. A day and night had passed. The sandwich had fermented to the point of being a severe hallucinogen. He took a bite and had dreamt the whole thing in a gluten-themed psychedelic haze….


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